Cartman's Ark
by Genis Aurion
Summary: Cartman proclaims and spreads forth God's word, speaking of a catastrophic disaster that will leave the world in flooded ruins. And while Kyle's busy trying to stop a rather peculiar thievery, Kenny can't just seem to stop himself from getting killed.
1. Chapter I

_This is a really pointless story that's been on my computer since December. I only found it just now, and so I've decided to post it here. Whether I continue it or not depends on if anyone actually likes it._**  
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**Chapter I**

"… Are you fucking shitting me?" Kyle Broflovski exclaimed as he, Stan, and Wendy were seated at Stan's dinner table. Originally the three had been studying for a minor vocabulary test, but that intention had quickly vanished, the three now engrossed in the news Wendy shared to them. "That is the stupidest thing I've _ever_ heard."

"Seems serious about it," said Wendy, closing her books and calling the study session a lost case. "He was trying to tell me he'd be saving whales, but I don't think he'll really do it.

"We saved a whale before," said Stan, recalling that one moment when they had successful launched a whale to the moon. "I wonder how it's doing, do you know?"

"Not really, dude," said Kyle, who now followed Wendy's lead. "But… I'm more worried at about what Cartman's got planned."

"You mean you actually believe that?" Stan asked disbelievingly. "You _just_ said that was the stupidest thing ever."

"But that doesn't mean he's not going to do it," said Kyle. "I mean think about it. Cartman _has_ done some really strange stuff." Stan and Wendy took that moment to ponder silently, and after their short reflection, both could hardly disagree with Kyle.

"We should just keep an eye out for him, then," Wendy declared at last. "For now, though, I think we should just stick to the vocabulary test."

"Fine," both boys agreed in unison, and the idea was left at that.

-

Kyle was more than enraged to see Cartman at Stark's Pond the next day.

"Hey, Kahl," he said weakly, not letting go of the chainsaw. "Wanna help me and Butters? We could use all the help we can get."

From a distance, Butters gave his own weak hello, though unlike Cartman, he had dropped the chainsaw, causing snow to fly everywhere.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?" Kyle yelled over the noise.

"What's it look like, Kahl?" said Cartman. "Cuttin' down trees! I need all the fucking wood I can get."

"Ask Kenny, he's got some every morning." Kyle laughed at his own joke before changing to a serious face. "Cartman, you can't cut down these trees, they aren't yours."

"Well, they're gonna hafta respect mah authoritah if they argue with me, won't they Kahl?" Kyle remained silent, only shaking his head dismally at the sight of the fallen trees. "Besides, I'm carryin' out the word o' God!"

"The what?"

"Oh, but of course, Kahl, you wouldn't care about God's will." He paused as another tree fell to the ground. "God's called upon me, Kahl, to save his people! He told me to build an ark and collect two of each kinda animal! A guy animal and a girl animal. No gay animals like you and Stan."

Kyle shook his fist angrily in the air. "I'm not gay, you fuck tard! And stop trying to be like Noah!"

"Noah?" asked Cartman curiously. "Strange, I thought it was Moses. But I'm sure you've just got your Jewish facts wrong again, Kahl."

"I didn't; Stan told me that." He glared at Cartman with a challenging look. "Listen, Cartman, there's no fucking way you're going to go through with this!"

"Oh yeah? Well God won't care about your Jew-ass anyway, Kahl! We'll see who's laughing when God floods the world, won't we?" Kyle couldn't retort; he simply raised his fist again and stormed off. Cartman merely shrugged at the act, all before cutting down yet another tree.

…the fallen timber crushing an innocent Kenny.

-

"He's building a fucking _ark_!" Kyle snarled, pounding his fist on the Marsh's dining table.

"Chill out," Stan mumbled. "Besides, even with all that wood, how's he going to build the ark? He's not no architectural skills, dude."

"He'll think of a way," seethed Kyle, "I just know he will." He slammed his fist on the table. "Fucking hell, Stan, why does Cartman have to be so fucking messed up?"

"Couldn't tell you," Stan said weakly. "I don't know, Kyle, he's just… being Cartman, that's all. Don't let it get to you."

"He thinks it's fucking real!" Kyle yelled. "And he's making fun of my goddamn religion, too!"

"Don't take it personally then," said Stan, and Kyle was left without retort. The two remained silent for some time, watching the distant television carefully. It seemed that the local zoo was suffering some problems, certain animals being curiously released from their cages….

And then that was when Wendy came charging in.

"Cartman!" she shrieked, catching her breath. "Cartman, he's—"

"I know," Kyle muttered quietly, the newscast suddenly clicking in his head. Yet… yet the sound of his conclusion… sounded _quite_ ridiculous.

"What?" asked Stan, still clueless and not having the brains of either Wendy or Kyle. "What's he doing?"

"He's… robbing a _zoo_."


	2. Chapter II

_First, as many of you visiting my profile might have noticed, my Internet time has been reduced drastically since I lost my old computer's Internet. As of now I'm using a borrowed laptop, and so in order to type my stories I'll either have to borrow this computer constantly or go to the library. Therefore, updates will be limited. Sorry!_

_Second, WNLB will receive an update soon, the next chance I get at finishing it off. It's not a conventional update, however… I'll tell you that much._

_Third, I got four trophies at my national mathematics convention! Not many of you might care, but it made me happy so I thought I'd share. I also got my first 1st place trophy there, too… and I sincerely want to go back (but I can't, I'm too old)!_

_Finally, you all may be wondering why I'm updating this story, of all stories. I just felt like writing this one… I need a break from all the meticulous WNLB writing anyway, so give me a break. Reviewing the minor stories makes me happy, too. So do me a favor every now and then._

_Here's the next chapter. Have fun reading. I apologize in advance for any culture-bashing in this chapter. But this is the South Park fandom, it was bound to happen. But I promise I don't share any of the negative views mentioned in this chapter._

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**Chapter II**

For a few moments Kyle stood motionless, mouth wide open in utter shock in disbelief. His eyes were fixated at the television, much as Stan's and Wendy's were, and as they continued to watch the news reporter they were left at a loss for words.

But when the report on the robbery had ended, Kyle had been the first to speak.

"He's robbing a zoo." At first his voice was quiet, as if still recovering from the shock. But then, as he caught the gazes of Stan and Wendy in his direction, he found himself repeating the phrase. "A _zoo_! He's robbing a _zoo_!"

Stan merely shrugged to this, almost as if the robbing of a zoo was quite high on his list of things he frequently witnessed. "He needs the animals for his ark," he reasoned. "It was bound to happen… I mean, where else would he get two of each animal?"

"That's not the point!" Kyle exclaimed, waving his hands in the air in front of Stan's face. "He's robbing a zoo, for _fuck's_ sake!"

"So do you want to stop him then?"

"Of course I do!" Kyle seethed, now pacing. He was deep in thought, hands sifting through the mass of red hair on his head. How exactly would he stop Cartman this time? It wouldn't exactly be that easy to simply go there and stop him…. Surely the animals would be running rampant by then?

"I'm not sure if stopping him is the best idea," Wendy muttered, resting her head against the palm of her hand. "Maybe we should let the police worry about that part. In fact… maybe it's not even our place to stop Cartman to begin with?"

"What'd you mean?" Stan asked, turning to her.

"I mean… he's already done enough to attract the police's attention, hasn't he? He's cut down trees on private and public property, and now he's gone off and robbed a zoo. Maybe even now, as we speak, they've already stopped—"

"I'm stopping him," spat Kyle, stomping his foot against the kitchen floor. "I'm gonna put him down myself. I mean, Cartman doesn't even have his facts straight, for crying out loud! He thinks _Moses_ made the ark, when even _I_ know that had been Moses!"

"…you mean Noah."

"—that's what I meant." Kyle muttered something under his breath, inaudible to both his companions. "No, I'm going to the zoo. You guys stay if you want." Stan shook his head, but just as he was about to stand up Wendy pulled on his arm.

"We'll stay here and watch the news," Wendy said, looking at Stan for affirmation. Stan first looked at his best friend, then at the girl next to him, and with that he nodded in agreement, sitting back down in his seat.

"Good luck, Kyle."

"I don't need it." And with that, after slipping into his jacket and boots, he stormed outside, throwing open the door with such force it almost fell off its hinges. He'd prove Cartman wrong… he'd be humiliated for the last time.

-

A rather enraged Kyle stumbled upon an innocent Kenny halfway to the zoo.

"Hey Kyle," the blonde called in his muffled voice. "Where're you off to?"

"Hey Ken," Kyle said promptly, and only continued to walk off. Kenny, intrigued at Kyle's behavior, dropped what he was doing and decided to follow the Jew.

"You didn't answer my question," Kenny called once he caught up with the boy. "Where're you off to?"

"Didn't know you asked one," said Kyle. "I'm going to the zoo. Kyle's robbing it. Wanna come?"

"You mean Cartman?" suggested Kenny, "and yes, I'll come. But really? He's robbing the _zoo_?"

"Yeah, I meant Cartman… and yeah, he is." Kenny then proceeded to let loose a rather complex arsenal of curse words, triggered by the same disbelief, shock, and anger that had almost caused Kyle to ruin the Marsh's front door. The rest of their walk to the zoo remained quiet though, once Kenny had calmed down some. Kyle's ears fumed, their backs turning a slight pink; as always, Kenny had worn his orange parka, the hood covering his ears and most of his hair (save the ends of his blonde hair, which hung like a shadow over his eyes).

When they arrived at the zoo, they found a small line of animals already parading from its entrance. And from somewhere not too far away, a recognizable voice rang venomously through their ears.

"Come _on_, penguins, you won't die out hyah!"

"_Cartman_!" Kyle shrieked, stomping right up to the blob of human flesh that was currently marshalling the animals. "_Cartman_, what the _hell_ are you doing?"

"What's it look like I'm doin', Kahl?" had been the response; "I'm gettin' the animals ready for mah ark."

"What _ark_?" Kyle challenged. "I fucking just saw you an hour ago! You don't _have_ an ark yet!"

"Oh, wanna bet?" Cartman smirked deviously. "You can't believe how fast Butters and I can work… and all the Mexicans."

"You hi… you hired _Mexicans_?"

"Sure did, Kahl, they don't ask for much pay at all, ya know…."

"Damnit, Cartman!" the Jewish boy screamed, pulling curls of red hair from his head. "You can't seriously be… AHH!"

"Just admit I'm right, Kahl," Carman sneered, and Kenny shifted uneasily on the spot. "It's all you gotta say, Kahl. Just admit I'm right and I'll let you aboard mah ark." At this point Kyle was so furious he couldn't even speak. All the anger, frustration… he had no way of expressing it except in several strings of incomprehensible shrieks.

Thankfully, Kenny decided to speak up instead. "Cartman!" he yelled in his muffled voice. "Cartman, what you're doing is absolutely pathetic! Immature! If you're only trying to one-up Kyle…."

Kyle nodded in agreement. "There's no way in _hell_ I'm going to admit I'm right, Cartman!"

"…wrong."

"—that I'm wrong!" Kyle corrected himself, shaking his head; clearly, this was not a good day for him. "Listen, there isn't going to be a flood, Cartman!—or whatever the hell happened to Noah."

"You're a Jew, Kahl, why the hell would I listen to you?"

"He's right!" Kenny piped in.

"Shut up, Kenneh!" Cartman yelled, and it was at that point that an elephant accidentally decide to let itself out of the line, making a sharp right sideways and completely crushing Kenny in its path.

This, of course, had infuriated Kyle all the more… if he could even be any angrier to begin with. "You killed Kenny!" Kyle said accusingly, pointing at Cartman with a trembling finger. "You bastard!"

"Sorry," Cartman replied nonchalantly, turning his back on Kyle. "Come _on_, monkeys, stop playin' with your bananas!—ey, squirrels, play with yer own nuts!"

"Why haven't the police come yet?" Kyle asked suddenly, the thought only now coming to mind. Cartman did not respond immediately, and even as the last of the animals left Cartman continued to ignore Kyle's question. "Answer me, Cartman!"

But he only smirked, and even now Kyle feared the worst. What could possibly be more random, crude, and unexpected than robbing a zoo?

"Oh, you'll find out for yourself soon enough," Cartman said simply, and that had been that. "Now, if you'll excuse me, Kahl, I've got a parade to herd."

For some odd reason, Kyle did not chase the flailing blob as he ran to catch up to the front of the parade. He remained rooted in spot, as if still trying to take in everything that had just happened. The building of the ark, the robbing of the zoo animals, the killing of Kenny…. It was truly too much for one day.

But then, where _were_ the police officers? Why was no one coming to stop him?

—At that point, his cell phone rang.

Stan.

"Hey Stan… bad news, I didn't stop Stan."

"…you mean Cartman."

"—yeah, that's what I meant. But I couldn't do anything, he just left unchallenged. The police aren't even here trying to stop him!"

"I know," had been Stan's reply, and the tone in his voice did not send many good vibes to Kyle's end. The Jewish boy shuddered, gulped liquid courage, and drew his breath.

"What… what happened?"

"The police," began Stan; "the police are busy putting down some illegal immigrant riot by the school. They're protesting fair wages and equal rights with citizens, something like that… even if they are illegal immigrants."

"And it requires the entire police force?" Kyle said, disbelievingly.

"…yes. There's a good amount of them…." Kyle sighed, shaking his head. What perfect timing on Cartman's part, he'd lucked out for sure. But it was too coincidental, to rob a zoo when a gigantic riot just _happened_ to be occurring elsewhere. It was almost as if he'd planned the whole thing….

…unless….

A sudden realization came to Kyle at that moment. And the more he thought about it, the more he was cursing internally, hating himself and Cartman and the events that were slowly unfolding around him….

"Stan," Kyle asked slowly, speaking with a trembling voice into the phone. "These people causing the riot…. What kind of people are they, exactly?"

There was a small pause between the question and the answer, almost climatic. But the response Stan had come up with… well.

"Uh… I think they all look Mexican… I dunno who any of them are, though. Why'd you ask?"

…fuck.


End file.
